February
19, 2008
 At
The Top: Earth Shattering Breakthrough...New Invention! - Sorry about
the recent absence. But I have been up days on end coming up with
the latest, greatest, earth shattering breakthrough...So there I was, sittin'
there on the porcelain doing my duty, I look down to grab some wipes, see
my roll of toilet paper sitting on the electric baseboard heater, and SHAZZAM! MR.
MONKIE'S HEATED
TOILET PAPER™!
Okay...So
that's not the **real** reason for my missing in action. But hey, it really
does work! =) In actuality, I have simply been exhausted from all of the
goings on in life - mostly work. In that light, until I get my poop in a
group (or at least my Handy Dandy Heated Butt Wipes™ on the shelves
and walls of Wally World), I will be in and out with no sense of regularity.
But if you want to keep the south side plumbing running smooth, grab
a Banana
or two and let 'er go all the way down to the funny tailbone!!
Support The Community
- Visit This Great Site!
BANANAS
Just Plain Nutz!
Why, Why, Why??
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is
not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?"
Never Mind
Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If
you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the
rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
February
8, 2008
Bananas
 At
The Top: Busy, Busy Busy! -
Business is good in the world of work. But is somewhat mustering the window
for Monkie Biz. Soooo...I'll have to delay this Friday's featured GUI Goodies.
It's looking like Monday will be "the day." Until we gather 'round the GUI
stuff, enjoy a single shot of Banana Juice!
BANANAS
Just Plain Nutz!
Drunken Cowboy
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats
in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more
impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly
back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no
success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed
the situation briefly then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,
Fred replied, "...the...balcony..."
February
4, 2008
Monkie
Business | Bananas
At
The Top: Are We There yet? - Hey hey hey! We made it another day.
Now it's time to play and stay fun in the sun as we're all still on
the run. So rather than get unraveled in a pit full of gravel, let's boogie
with Stu as the week is still new. Coming soon to your screen is New GOO
with gleam and perhaps a New Tune for your ears too to taste. Till that
time we'll grab grins and some more for there's no time to waste. Let's
make haste and get on down, have a taste!
MONKIE
BUSINESS
Odds and Ends
All Butts About
It -
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in
your butt?
Chuck It Up -
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can
throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so
the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the
frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's
contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Adding It All
Up -
If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly
100 people, 51% would be female, 49% male; 50% of the
world's currency would be held by 6 people, one person
would be nearly dead, one nearly born.
Mirror Mirror -
I went to see my doctor, "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like
throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I
don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
-
Rodney Dangerfield
Me And My Monkey -
Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my
monkey.
- The Beatles
Parting Shot -
Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
- Jim
Wohfo
BANANAS
Just Plain Nutz!
Confucius Say...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Answering The
Answering Machine
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice
Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally
encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done,
our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice
for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However
our staff of professional extortionists will contact
you in the near future to further explain the benefits
of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank
you!
BC Is Located
There was a nice lady who was a little
old-fashioned. She was planning a weeks vacation in Florida
at a particular campground, but she wanted to make sure
of the accommodations.
Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she
couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in
a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled
on "bathroom commode", but when she wrote that
down it still sounded too forward. So, in her letter
to the campground, and referred to the bathroom commode
as the 'B.C.'. Does the campground have it's own "B.C.?" is
what she actually wrote.
The campground owner was baffled. He showed the letter
around to several of the campers, but they couldn't decipher
it either. Finally, the owner figured she was referring
to the location of the local baptist church: so, he sat
down and wrote back to her as follows:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter,
but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the
'B.C.' is located nine miles north of the campgrounds,
and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit
it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit
of going regularly, but, no doubt, you will be pleased
to know that a great number of people take their lunches
along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early
and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six
years ago. It was so crowded we had to stand up the whole
time we were there. It may interest you to know that
right now there is a supper planned to raise money to
buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement
of the 'B.C.! I would like to say it pains me very much
not to be able to go more regularly, it is no lack of
desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more
effort--particularly in cold weather. If you decide to
come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the
first time. I'd sit with you and introduce you to all
the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community!!
Hope to see you soon.
Gee
A woodpecker was pecking a whole in
a tree. All of a sudden, a flash of lightening struck
the tree to the ground! The woodpecker looked bemused
for a moment and then said: "Gee, I guess I don't
know my own strength!"
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